Friend: sex is simple as fuck.
Me: bop it
Me: twist it
Me: pull it
Me: begin the sacrifice
Friend: XDDDDD
Me: tally the quarterly annual revenue
Me: pray to jesus
Me: murder your family
Me: reach orgasm


Friend: Shadow the Sexhog
Me: Sexic the Hedgehog. Tails the Sex. Sexckles the Echidna.
Friend: Rouge the Hooker
Me: Charmy Peen
Friend: 420BlazeIt the Cat
Me: V-aginal insp-ECTOR the Crocodile. I SOLVED THE CASE
Friend: BigButt the Cat
Me: Espio the Voyeuristic Chameleon. MIGHTY THE ARMADILDO
Friend: Tittykal
Me: Wave The SWALLOW
Me: Jet the Hawt.
Friend: OvipositionMan

Friend: *makes a joke*
Me: *humours it with a non-capitalized or punctuated “lol”*
Friend: *Proceeds to feel gud that I made someone lol*
Me: *hides the dead body*
Friend: O-oh… where did that come from?
Me: Hello, [FRIEND NAME]. I’ve been expecting you for eons.
Me: Join me.
Friend: ouo
Friend: [MY NAME]…?
Me: No. It is I, Scribesworth McButtface. I come from a long line of deities whose sole purpose in life is to create live-action anime.
Friend: I instantly believe you and will devote my everything to serving you
Me: *dead body reanimates* No [FRIEND NAME] don’t give in to the promise of shonen. True shonen comes from the heart, not from aliens who don’t understand the demographiiic
Me: *Silence*
Friend: *Shrug* I don’t like zombies anyway.
Me: *Scribesworth McButtface spontaneously combusts because the plot demands it*
Friend: nooooooooooooooo! Buttfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!!!
Me: *pokes at Scribesworth’s ashes and finds a mask of DonaId Trump*
Me: *electronic music plays as the scene pans out to show the desolate apocalyptic world around us*
Friend: @.@ Is this what I would have become…?
Me: Yes. Such is the fate of magical guys.
Friend: But I’m not… am I?
Me: Perhaps. Perhaps you’ve been one all along.
Friend: *Looks down and sees the dress on me* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Me: /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\ we can change your fate if you MAKE A CONTRACT WITH ME
Me: *Kyuubey shrugs, pulls out a jar of Nutella from a pocket dimension, and consumes it whole*
Friend: The whole scene becomes a Nutella commercial.
Friend: “With the delicious taste of Nutella, I too can understand what it’s like to be a white chick.”

Friend: Yaaaaay
Friend: Yaaaaay2
Me: Yaaaaay 3: The Yayening
Friend: And then they upgrade to 3D with yaaaaay Adventure.
Me: It’s met with mixed reception. Reviewers praise the performances but criticize the simple plot.
Friend: Then yaaaaay Adventure 2 comes out. It is praised as a god among the yaaaaay franchise.
Me: The corporation that created yaaaaay becomes a political power and overthrows world governments, becoming supreme ruler of a dystopian society.
Friend: oh god that’s not the direction I expected at all.

Me: *is glad*
Friend: *Basks in your gladness*
Me: *is basked in said gladness*
Friend: *A basking shark joins in the basking, and as such basks*
Me: *genuine laughter*
Friend: 😀
Me: ya know a friendship’s good when da laughter is 100% pure, mined from the most high quality of laugh quarries.
Friend: And snorted like the finest of Laugh Crack
Me: Jimmy from down the street can hook ya up with the best deals for pure granulated laughter. Snort dat shit up
Friend: I just buy canned laughter substitute from the drug store
Friend: Much more legal
Me: but you’re supporting the laugh capitalists in the process, which threatens hard-earned local laughs 😮